I've been told that it's been far too long since I've updated this blog, and I tend to agree.. While I love the fact that Laura's picture has been at the top of the page for the past weeks, it's time to write out some thoughts and musings... so she'll have to be bumped down. Sorry.
The past weeks have been incredibly full, of emotion, of changes, of busyness and plans and tasks to be completed. But I think the aspect which has marked these past weeks most profoundly was the return of.. well, I don't want to call it emotion, passion, love or purpose, although those all represent parts of it. I suppose I've simply discovered life again.
It all started early this semester at a Cru meeting, where we were talking about making an impact on eternity. I began to wrestle with this idea, and realized that very little I do truly impacts eternity. God got a hold of my ear, and pointed out to me that not only was my involvement in paintball not serving the Kingdom, it was dangerously bordering on competing with Him for the throne of my heart. He'd hinted at this, mentioned it before, but this was the first time I really listened. So the process of my retirement from paintball began. This has taken a few different forms, as I had committed to travel to the SPPL in NV, and I'm still working for SpecOps in Utah (for the moment at least). But even by the surrender of that part of my life as far as my heart was concerned, although the physical details took a while to resolve, and by the restructuring of my time, I have seen amazing events come to pass. Obedience is a form of loving our Lord, and I've now seen how much he respects and honors our sacrifices.
That was step one, I suppose. It reminds me of the song of the Vineyard I was reading a few days ago in Isaiah 5. God did his work to make the soil fertile, and as I began to clear the stones, he planted vines. One of these was the way I've begun to reprioritize my time. I took the opportunity to dig into two books in particular, the Bible of course being one. At the risk of being cliche, a veil of sorts has been removed, and clarity restored. I had come to a point where reading the Word wasn't providing insights anymore, and by His grace, that's no longer the case. The second book I picked up was Elizabeth Elliot's "Shadow of the Almighty" about the early years of Jim Elliot's life, and the preparation he put himself through while he was training for the missions field. The story of Nate Saint and Jim Elliot was always one of my favorites, and reading about God's hand in their lives from this new angle renewed my passion to do His will and see it through. (I highly recommend the book. Well, both of them, actually.)
As a lot of you will know, another aspect of this change has been spending time with Laura. I simply cannot adequately explain what an amazing child of God she is, and what a blessing she has been. I'm debating even trying.
Well, I'll pass on that for the moment.. but I suppose this all boils down to the realization that over the past month and a half, I've rediscovered life. Where before there was only a facade, granted a very content and happy facade, I have now realized emotion again, sometimes painful, sometimes saddening, sometimes full of joy and levity, but regardless, true emotion. I once again intimately know God's love, and see it through new channels as well as old ones. I think Tozer once said that our hearts are sick with a love our eyes cannot see. And that's certainly become true. It's not safe, not fun, not happy-go-lucky. But it's good.
I hope that's at least halfway coherent.
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The collection of thoughts of a young college student striving after the heart of God, who also happens to be studying civil engineering, hopelessly romantic, and a semi-professional paintball player.
