Well, Summertime is supposedly here. Supposedly not because it isn't, but because it truly hasn't hit me yet. I keep expecting to come out of what has now become a very extended weekend and to have homework and classes the next day. Instead, classes are done, I'm living in Pueblo, and work begins tomorrow (at 8AM.. some of you are laughing right about now). (I'm interning for SEH, a Civil Engineering Firm out of Minneapolis with offices in Pueblo [my hometown] and Denver [close enough to Golden for a daily commute]).
Got through finals, they really weren't that bad as a whole, I'm still waiting on grades to come back.. I'm not expecting the best grades from this semester, had a few very difficult classes I had to take simultaneously with the pre-requisites and such. But that said, I'm going to pass everything, and I might get some nice grades depending how the curves fall. We'll see.
Spent a few days taking care of things around the house, and then relaxing a bit.. and packing up for an indefinite period of living at home before I am shuttled back and forth from the Pueblo office to Denver. There have been ideas thrown around about spending a few days per week in either office, but nothing is definite yet, and I'll end up where they tell me to go. So packing was interesting. And, despite all my best intentions, I somehow forgot every set of shoes I own, all left in Golden. Which is going to be fun. (I'm borrowing shoes for the meantime.)
Saturday morning, Laura and I left for home.. I dropped her off with her family in Colorado Springs, while I continued to Pueblo. And to be frank, it was one of the hardest things I've done. Laura has become such a blessing and a joy to me, it's unbelievable. Over the past three months, she's really become indispensable to me, helpful in so many ways, a great friend, a confidant, such an encouragement and a joy. And while I understand that this summer is only a short time away from her (even over the summer I'll get to visit), the innermost parts of me cry out that I should do everything I can to hold onto her, keep her right by my side like she has been the past months. She is so infinitely precious to me.
So because of this, when we said goodbye, I got back in the car, and just sat there for a few minutes to try and halfway compose myself. I saw her beginning to walk away, towards her family, and then running and leaping into her mom's arms, twirling and with incredible joy on her face. While that moment hurt, it was also reassuring to know how wonderful her family is to her (and to me!), how much she loves them. And that moment gave me the strength to continue my drive home. It's only been two days, and I miss her like nobody's business. I round corners hoping she'll be just on the other side, or that I'll hear her voice. But God reassures me that distance has it's purpose and is needed just as much as proximity, that separation leads only to strengthening, and that He has not brought us together trivially to leave us in a desert. So hope remains, faint as it is under waves of emotion.
Anyhow, Summer is about to begin.. and if I'm to be coherent for 8AM, I'll need to end this here,. I've got more thoughts coming, so hopefully the blog will be a bit more active in the near future.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
A long road ahead
Well, upon much prodding, I'm quasi-updating the blog. It's Finals weekend, so everything is hectic, but I'll throw in a few thoughts:
I still have a lot to learn. These past months have pointed this out to me to an incredible degree. As ridiculous as it seems now, I looked at my life a few months ago, and thought that to a degree, I'd arrived. I had my life in order, financially secure, almost finished with college, lived responsibly in a nice house, etc, etc. Most importantly of course, I had a vibrant and healthy relationship with God. Can't forget that. Anyhow, I was very happy with my life.
As I've been reminded, through circumstance as well as times where God has directly said "Hey, check this out", I've still got a long way to go.. Especially emotionally. When faced with deep emotions, my responses are often selfish, childlike, immature. I'd like to think sometimes that I've got life handled, but the past months have showed me many times when I know I don't. It's a good thing, but painful sometimes.
One of my favorite quotes is by John Newton.
"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am"
I'm not sure where else I was going to go with this, and I'd really best get to studying.. I'll update this throughout the week, in theory.
Ah, theory.
I still have a lot to learn. These past months have pointed this out to me to an incredible degree. As ridiculous as it seems now, I looked at my life a few months ago, and thought that to a degree, I'd arrived. I had my life in order, financially secure, almost finished with college, lived responsibly in a nice house, etc, etc. Most importantly of course, I had a vibrant and healthy relationship with God. Can't forget that. Anyhow, I was very happy with my life.
As I've been reminded, through circumstance as well as times where God has directly said "Hey, check this out", I've still got a long way to go.. Especially emotionally. When faced with deep emotions, my responses are often selfish, childlike, immature. I'd like to think sometimes that I've got life handled, but the past months have showed me many times when I know I don't. It's a good thing, but painful sometimes.
One of my favorite quotes is by John Newton.
"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am"
I'm not sure where else I was going to go with this, and I'd really best get to studying.. I'll update this throughout the week, in theory.
Ah, theory.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
At long last -- thoughts on the past few weeks
I've been told that it's been far too long since I've updated this blog, and I tend to agree.. While I love the fact that Laura's picture has been at the top of the page for the past weeks, it's time to write out some thoughts and musings... so she'll have to be bumped down. Sorry.
The past weeks have been incredibly full, of emotion, of changes, of busyness and plans and tasks to be completed. But I think the aspect which has marked these past weeks most profoundly was the return of.. well, I don't want to call it emotion, passion, love or purpose, although those all represent parts of it. I suppose I've simply discovered life again.
It all started early this semester at a Cru meeting, where we were talking about making an impact on eternity. I began to wrestle with this idea, and realized that very little I do truly impacts eternity. God got a hold of my ear, and pointed out to me that not only was my involvement in paintball not serving the Kingdom, it was dangerously bordering on competing with Him for the throne of my heart. He'd hinted at this, mentioned it before, but this was the first time I really listened. So the process of my retirement from paintball began. This has taken a few different forms, as I had committed to travel to the SPPL in NV, and I'm still working for SpecOps in Utah (for the moment at least). But even by the surrender of that part of my life as far as my heart was concerned, although the physical details took a while to resolve, and by the restructuring of my time, I have seen amazing events come to pass. Obedience is a form of loving our Lord, and I've now seen how much he respects and honors our sacrifices.
That was step one, I suppose. It reminds me of the song of the Vineyard I was reading a few days ago in Isaiah 5. God did his work to make the soil fertile, and as I began to clear the stones, he planted vines. One of these was the way I've begun to reprioritize my time. I took the opportunity to dig into two books in particular, the Bible of course being one. At the risk of being cliche, a veil of sorts has been removed, and clarity restored. I had come to a point where reading the Word wasn't providing insights anymore, and by His grace, that's no longer the case. The second book I picked up was Elizabeth Elliot's "Shadow of the Almighty" about the early years of Jim Elliot's life, and the preparation he put himself through while he was training for the missions field. The story of Nate Saint and Jim Elliot was always one of my favorites, and reading about God's hand in their lives from this new angle renewed my passion to do His will and see it through. (I highly recommend the book. Well, both of them, actually.)
As a lot of you will know, another aspect of this change has been spending time with Laura. I simply cannot adequately explain what an amazing child of God she is, and what a blessing she has been. I'm debating even trying.
Well, I'll pass on that for the moment.. but I suppose this all boils down to the realization that over the past month and a half, I've rediscovered life. Where before there was only a facade, granted a very content and happy facade, I have now realized emotion again, sometimes painful, sometimes saddening, sometimes full of joy and levity, but regardless, true emotion. I once again intimately know God's love, and see it through new channels as well as old ones. I think Tozer once said that our hearts are sick with a love our eyes cannot see. And that's certainly become true. It's not safe, not fun, not happy-go-lucky. But it's good.
I hope that's at least halfway coherent.
The past weeks have been incredibly full, of emotion, of changes, of busyness and plans and tasks to be completed. But I think the aspect which has marked these past weeks most profoundly was the return of.. well, I don't want to call it emotion, passion, love or purpose, although those all represent parts of it. I suppose I've simply discovered life again.
It all started early this semester at a Cru meeting, where we were talking about making an impact on eternity. I began to wrestle with this idea, and realized that very little I do truly impacts eternity. God got a hold of my ear, and pointed out to me that not only was my involvement in paintball not serving the Kingdom, it was dangerously bordering on competing with Him for the throne of my heart. He'd hinted at this, mentioned it before, but this was the first time I really listened. So the process of my retirement from paintball began. This has taken a few different forms, as I had committed to travel to the SPPL in NV, and I'm still working for SpecOps in Utah (for the moment at least). But even by the surrender of that part of my life as far as my heart was concerned, although the physical details took a while to resolve, and by the restructuring of my time, I have seen amazing events come to pass. Obedience is a form of loving our Lord, and I've now seen how much he respects and honors our sacrifices.
That was step one, I suppose. It reminds me of the song of the Vineyard I was reading a few days ago in Isaiah 5. God did his work to make the soil fertile, and as I began to clear the stones, he planted vines. One of these was the way I've begun to reprioritize my time. I took the opportunity to dig into two books in particular, the Bible of course being one. At the risk of being cliche, a veil of sorts has been removed, and clarity restored. I had come to a point where reading the Word wasn't providing insights anymore, and by His grace, that's no longer the case. The second book I picked up was Elizabeth Elliot's "Shadow of the Almighty" about the early years of Jim Elliot's life, and the preparation he put himself through while he was training for the missions field. The story of Nate Saint and Jim Elliot was always one of my favorites, and reading about God's hand in their lives from this new angle renewed my passion to do His will and see it through. (I highly recommend the book. Well, both of them, actually.)
As a lot of you will know, another aspect of this change has been spending time with Laura. I simply cannot adequately explain what an amazing child of God she is, and what a blessing she has been. I'm debating even trying.
Well, I'll pass on that for the moment.. but I suppose this all boils down to the realization that over the past month and a half, I've rediscovered life. Where before there was only a facade, granted a very content and happy facade, I have now realized emotion again, sometimes painful, sometimes saddening, sometimes full of joy and levity, but regardless, true emotion. I once again intimately know God's love, and see it through new channels as well as old ones. I think Tozer once said that our hearts are sick with a love our eyes cannot see. And that's certainly become true. It's not safe, not fun, not happy-go-lucky. But it's good.
I hope that's at least halfway coherent.
